


Alone and Gone

by Springoffanfiction



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bi-Polar Disorder, Connor is my child okay, Depression, Homophobia, I'm sorry-, Mania, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, bad sibling relationships, hopelessness, suidice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:01:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22128379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Springoffanfiction/pseuds/Springoffanfiction
Summary: You can only handle so much until you break...Connor was far beyond his breaking point.
Kudos: 13





	Alone and Gone

**Author's Note:**

> TW//self-harm, suicide, past suicide attempts, cursing, spiraling, panic attacks, slurs
> 
> It's angsty venting shit okay-

Connor Murphy- school shooter extraordinaire. Legendary fuck-up. Freak. Faggot. Loser. Take your pick, he's heard them all. Many, many times over. 

By now he should be numb- not paying any attention to the catcalls trailing him in the halls and lingering in his head afterward. He should be cold and uncaring and unfeeling and numb and empty. It's simple. Just be what everyone thinks he is already. It makes sense. It's easier to box up people and ideas into neat squares because then they make sense.

There's good and bad. No in-between. Just black and white. Zoe Murphy was pure white, stunning, funny, smart, popular. Connor Murphy was black, dark, emo, soulless, heartless, unfeeling, evil. Simple, right?

Yeah-fucking-right.

Connor was not numb, not soulless, not unfeeling, not heartless, and- most importantly- not evil. Misunderstood, yeah. Okay yes he had outbursts. Large outbursts. Where he yelled and screamed and kicked and punched things or people but what could you expect?

They were hurting him and getting away with no consequence at all. But he was already broken.

He was broken like the glass he used to rip his skin open- all jagged edges and dark stains and reflective light and confusing lines and pain and temporary euphoria. 

He wasn't normal. 

Normal people don't dig razors and glass into their skin and pull, hearing the skin quietly tear, just to feel a bit better. Normal people don't hold lighters to their wrists or forearms just to see what happens. Normal people don' t scream until their throats give out in the middle of an empty forest. Normal people don't drown themselves in smoke and drugs just to forget their own pain. Normal people didn't cry until they were physically sick. Normal people didn't shake like a leaf and pull their hair out in bouts of panic. Normal people weren't like him.

He was just a fucking idiotic freak. That's what everyone said. Zoe, Larry, Cynthia, everyone agreed. It was a unanimous agreement, Connor was the fuck-up everyone hated. 

Simple.

So he just suffered longer and longer through elementary school where he was fine through middle school where everything went to shit and through high school which he just tried to survive.

But you can only bend so far until you break.

"...nice haircut..."  
"...school shooter...."  
"...freak..."

"YOU'RE THE FUCKING FREAK!"

There are so many ways to go. Digging deep with a blade, deeper than ever before. But that had its risks. He needed to do it thoroughly, not some half-assed attempt. This wasn't a cry for help, this was an answer. The only option left. 

Swallowing pills followed by a swig of whiskey. A rope snapping his neck and slowly cutting his circulation off. A long fall onto hard unforgiving concrete. A giant death machine rattling too fast to stop down metal tracks. Weights in his pockets down at the docks. Pulling a trigger.

Endless possibilities. 

Connor chose pills. 

They'd miss the expensive medication and alcohol more than they would him. That much was easy to predict. Not like anyone would care. Not that kid who stuttered all the time, not his sister, not his mom, certainly not his dad. 

So as he sat in the forest, vision blurring and darkening as his stomach roiled violently.

He didn't feel bad.

He felt free.

Finally.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah okay my first fic is a vent that's fine- Yes I'm projecting A LOT  
> :)  
> I'll post some fluff eventually I promise  
> Sorry for hurting Connor :(
> 
> SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER STAY SAFE <3


End file.
